


all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

by watchthesunrise



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Academy Era, F/M, Jealousy, Pining, Revelations, Slight Canon Divergence, one of simmons many boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 08:29:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5532605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchthesunrise/pseuds/watchthesunrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This revelation came with shock, and then immediate suppression. He couldn’t possibly be falling in love with Simmons, no matter how lovely she was. She was his best friend, and clearly didn’t see him as anything more than that. He shook his head, and attempted to put the thought in the back of his mind.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, devoting his concentration to diminishing that thought only made said thought become more prominent. Before he knew it, this revelation and the feeling that could be none other than love had taken over completely.</p>
<p>//OR Fitz realizes he is in love with Simmons at the academy. Written for natashvromanoff on tumblr</p>
            </blockquote>





	all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

**Author's Note:**

> As stated in the summary, this was written for natashvromanoff on tumblr. She loves gifsets with Halsey lyrics, but I cannot gif, so instead I wrote this based off of the song Drive by Halsey.

  
_It’s so simple but we can’t stay_   
_Over analyze again_   
_Would it really kill you if we kissed?_

\- Drive by Halsey

The room was dim, illuminated only by a single lamp. Despite the late hour, neither of the students were experiencing fatigue. Instead, Fitz was bored. Binders and papers were strewn out across the floor, with what seemed like a million questions waiting to be answered. The questions were not hard, which only served to bore him further. He sighed, before turning to look at the woman seated on the floor across from him.

Simmons was very engrossed in her work, not even bothering to brush aside the stray hairs that had fallen into her eyes. Her hand rapidly danced across her page, only stopping once the question she was working on had been answered in its entirety.

“I got this answer.” She told him, sliding her paper across the floor and into his reach, “What do you think?”

“I think,” He replied, not bothering to look at the paper, for he knew her answer was not only correct, but most likely better than his own, “that we deserve a break. We’ve been working on this review for hours.”

She frowned, clearly in disagreement with his suggestion, “But the test is –“

“In a week.” He finished, nodding, “I know.”

“So we should really continue.” Simmons responded, taking her page back and twirling her pen between her fingers, “We don’t want to have to cram.”

“We won’t have to, because we’ll study tomorrow.”

“Fitz –“ She began, sighing.

“It’s a clear night.” He interjected. She paused, and for a moment he wasn’t sure how she would respond. Simmons did love the stars. However, she seemed to enjoy studying more than life itself.

After what appeared to be careful consideration, she sighed. “Fine. But not for long, we have classes tomorrow.”

He nodded, and they agreed to meet outside. With that, Simmons went to her dorm to fetch her coat.

The lights around campus made it much more difficult to see the stars than it may have been, but Fitz decided that the visibility was satisfactory enough. The night was cool, and the grass was quite cold when he sat upon it, waiting for Simmons. When she arrived, he handed her one of the beer bottles he had grabbed on his way out, and she settled in next to him. Her gaze found the sky almost immediately, and her eyes burned with even more intensity than when doing her work.

They sat in silence for a few moments, simply admiring the view. Fitz inhaled the crisp night air, and watched the stars shine. The moon was out as well, its light causing a soft glow. The moment was so simple, he wished he could remain in it forever.

Finally, Simmons spoke, causing the quiet to diminish. However, the sound of her voice did nothing to the tranquil aura. In fact, in Fitz’s opinion, it strengthened it. When she spoke, her eyes did not once leave the glistening celestial lights.

“My mum once told me that stars are souls, travelling through time and starlight looking for homes.” Her voice seemed far away, as though she were reliving that particular memory.

Fitz frowned, tearing his gaze away from the sky. “Well, scientifically speaking, that’s impossible.”

“I know that, Fitz.” Her tone portrayed exasperation, however the smile she gave him was fond. “It’s just nice to think about.”

Fitz nodded, “Yeah. I suppose it is.”

“Do you ever stop to think,” she began, turning away from him and tilting her head up to stare up at the sky, “that the light we are seeing now is billions of years old?” She brought her knees to her chest, in an attempt to both keep warm and become more comfortable.

Fitz nodded, lying down onto the grass and folding his hands. “Some of the stars are billions of years old. Long dead, but their light is still travelling through time.”

“It won’t die, that light. That’s the only thing that never really dies.” Her tone was thoughtful, “Everything is ancient in the universe.”

“It’s infinite.” Fitz said, turning to look at her.

Her eyes were lit in fascination as she stared at the sky. It stared back, causing lights to dance in her eyes, and moonlight softened her features. In that moment, she appeared just as awe-inspiring as the atmosphere.

“Isn’t it amazing,” she continued, “how we live in such an enormous, primeval universe? We are so small compared to all of it. It’s almost rare to even exist. Rare and beautiful.”

Fitz nodded silently, and watched her with admiration. Simmons was always so insightful, managing to make him view things differently without changing his beliefs at all. Her mind was just as gorgeous as he physical features, which were quite stunning.

She turned, shooting him a lovely, if not regretful smile. “We should probably go back inside.”

Fitz sat back up, taking a sip of his previously discarded drink. “Of course. Nothing is greater than studying.” His tone was teasing.

“That’s not true.” Simmons said, surprising the man, “This was nice.” She leaned closer to him, pecking his cheek. Then, she stood up, and made her way back in. She threw a “goodnight, Fitz.” Over her shoulder, and then she was gone.

Fitz remained where he was, slowly raising his hand and touching the cheek she had graced with her lips. His fond smile remained intact, as he thought about how incredible the woman he called his best friend was. Amazing, insightful, and lovely. An affection blossomed in his chest. The feeling was a spark, tossing and turning inside of him.

Then, he stopped. His smile faded into a frown, as he realized something.

He was falling in love with his best friend.

This revelation came with shock, and then immediate suppression. He couldn’t possibly be falling in love with Simmons, no matter how lovely she was. She was his best friend, and clearly didn’t see him as anything more than that. He shook his head, and attempted to put the thought in the back of his mind.

Unfortunately, devoting his concentration to diminishing that thought only made said thought become more prominent. Before he knew it, this revelation and the feeling that could be none other than love had taken over completely.

Her laugh was a melody, flowing more beautifully than any song he had heard. Her touch sent shivers down his spine, and the ghost of her breath when she whispered in his ear during class stopped time entirely. Slowly she branched out, intertwining with his mind and his heart, entering his veins and flowing through his bloodstream. Before he knew it, she had become etched into his entire being.

On more than one occasion, he found himself in awe of her, and his gaze found her lips. He thought about what the outcome might be, if he decided to act on his impulses. To lean down and connect his lips with hers. Perhaps it would consume him, swallowing him up and causing them to begin to blur. Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the spark inside him would suddenly die, leaving him with only regret and a friendship in tatters. How would she react? Would her face contort into an expression of shock, or even disgust? Would she leave him immediately? Or perhaps she would let him down easy, calmly explaining that she only thought of him as a friend. She would have every right to, Fitz would never force his feelings upon her in an attempt to make the decision that belonged to her and her alone.

These overanalyzed scenarios kept him from making any rash decisions. The longing never ceased, nor did the feeling of love. He wondered if it was right to keep these thoughts from her, but soon found he didn’t have a choice.

For Jake Santiago had entered the picture.

He couldn’t help the bitter resentment that coiled in his chest. His jealousy was a living thing. A beast that growled when it saw the other man, and roared when Jake was anywhere near Simmons. He knew it was awful of him, and of course placed no blame on Simmons, but he couldn’t help but be wary of Jake Santiago.

Simmons noticed, of course she did. He saw it in the frown that pulled on her lips, and the way she brushed it off, claiming he was her “over protective best friend.” One day, she cracked, confusion and hurt spilling from her.

“Well, I should go. I’ve got a ton of homework.” Jake announced, flashing a boyishly handsome smile in Simmons’ direction, before exiting her dorm. Fitz got up to follow suit, but soon felt a tug on his arm, and heard the hissed words, “No you don’t.”

He sat back down, and waited patiently for Simmons to speak. When she did, it was loud and stern.

“I don’t know what problem you have with Jake. He’s been nothing but nice to you, to both of us! Whatever concern you have, you should just tell us!” She exclaimed. Her cheeks were red, and a frown settled upon her pink lips. Fitz couldn’t even begin to explain how wrong she was, how he could certainly never voice his problem. He paused, contemplating what he would say next, and knowing he would have to choose carefully.

He then shrugged his shoulder, fiddling with his hands. “There’s no problem.” He said quickly – too quickly. He took unsteady breaths, praying that she would believe him, and waiting for her to figure him out. Preparing for the horror that would most likely show on her face, and Jake’s anger. He shrunk in on himself, and let him eyes flutter shut in an attempt to calm. However, her voice sent them snapping back open.

“Then why do you always seem so unaccepting of him?” She questioned, exasperation and confusion both displayed clearly in her tone.

He opened and closed his mouth multiple times, searching desperately for an acceptable answer. Anything besides the truth. Finally, he took a deep breath, and responded, “You know me. I hate change.”

She let out a long sigh at that, rolling her eyes. He recognized her annoyance and irritation. “Oh, Fitz.”

“Sorry.” He said quickly, not wanting her to be angry. Not for this. “I – I’ll be nicer.”

She nodded, satisfied with his vow, “I hope so.”

Not wishing for her to be upset, Fitz decided he needed to stop directing his hurt in the form of bitter resentment at the couple. It was Simmons’ decision, and Fitz’s own fault that he had not acted on his feelings. He attempted to be kinder to the other man, offering Jake warm greetings, smiles, and engaging him in conversation. He soon found that perhaps Jake Santiago wasn’t all bad, and not deserving of his hatred.

However, that revelation was quickly discarded when Simmons arrived at the entrance of his dorm. Tear tracks marked her cheeks, and she took shuddery breaths.

“Simmons?” He frowned, immediately concerned, “What’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, released it slowly. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” He nodded, stepping aside and allowing her to enter.

When she sat on his bed, he sat next to her, and put his hand on her shoulder.

“What happened?” He questioned.

“Jake and I had plans tonight. But – but I think he had forgotten because – um – “ She paused, letting out a small sob. He removed his hand from her shoulder, and wrapped his arm around her instead. She closed her eyes, leaning into his touch.

“When I arrived at the restaurant he was with someone else. Kissing someone else.” Her last statement was let out hurriedly, as if saying the words were so painful she simply wanted to get it over with. His eyes widened at her statement, and he felt a pang in his chest at seeing his best friend so hurt.

“What?”

“I think it was Matthew Diaz. I should have known, really. They spent so much time together.” She told him. Her voice was muffled due to the fact that she had pressed her face into his shoulder.

Fitz wanted to find Jake Santiago. He wanted to hurt him, to cause Jake as much pain as he had caused Simmons. Instead, he took a deep breath, and quietly offered, “Do you want some ice cream?”

Simmons nodded, something he felt more than saw, before pulling away from him and responding, “I’d like that.”

Fitz stood up, walking toward his small freezer and retrieving the frozen treat. He scooped it into two bowls, handing one to Simmons, along with a spoon.

She thanked him quietly, her voice no more than a murmur. They sat in silence, Simmons’ sniffles filling the air.

Unable to take the quiet, he asked, “Do you want to watch Doctor Who?”

She perked up at hearing the title of her favorite show, nodding.

They put the show on, and set their ice cream bowls aside. Simmons calmed, curling into Fitz’s side and simply enjoying the show. They went back to sitting in silence, however this time it was comfortable. Her breath soon evened out, and her eyes fluttered shut, signaling that she had fallen asleep. The television continued to play softly, but she showed no signs of being bothered by this while she slept, so it remained on.

Once again, Fitz found himself wondering. He turned and looked at her, her face peaceful with sleep, and wondered if they could be something more than friends. The spark she had ignited in him had not distinguished, or even faltered. Instead, it had strengthened, turning to a fire that threatened to consume him. He wondered what would happen if he acted upon his impulses, and met her pink, glossy lips with his own. He wondered if she could ever feel the same way he did.

He wondered a lot of things.

Perhaps one day he would gain answers to these questions.

Or maybe not.

For now, he closed his eyes, and leaned his head against her own, her soft hair tickling his cheek. His turmoil of thoughts did not calm, however. The storm continued, spitting out more questions and creating new scenarios. Soon enough, it ceased, at least temporarily, and he allowed the softly playing television and Simmons’ even breaths lull him to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The discussion of stars was taken from both The X Files, and the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last.


End file.
